Women do need to man up and stop using the word 'just'

Entrepreneur Josephine Fairley throws her weight behind the idea that women need to stop using the word 'just' in order to soften their requests. And, while she's at it, 'pretty please' has got to go too

‘Just’, it seems, has just been declared the new four-letter word, as far as women are concerned. An article by Ellen Leanse, a former Google executive, laying into the use of the word, has caused something of a social media firestorm.

She’d noticed (during her time at a Silicon Valley start-up called Eastwick) that in emails, conversations and even in meetings, women’s use of the word ‘just’ outweighed that of male colleagues (by her albeit unscientific, un-peer-reviewed calculation, around three to four times as many). ‘I just wanted to check in on…’ ‘Just seeing if you’d decided between…’ I’m just following up on…’

As she put it: ‘It hit me that there was something about the word I didn’t like. It was a “permission” word – a warm-up to a request, an apology for interrupting, a shy knock on the door before asking: “Can I get something I need from you?”’ Male colleagues – um – just didn’t seem to feel the need to use it, it seems, and yet Leanse realised she was guilty of it herself. She fired off a memo about the ‘J’ word, suggesting a ban – and her team bought into the idea.

I’ve got my own history with ‘just’. It was a word I learned to dread: a manager of a bakery I used to own used to call up regularly and preface various gloomy pronouncements with the words: ‘I just wanted you to know…’ At this point I knew to expect a) a leaking roof, b) a broken oven, c) someone not turning up for work. By word three, my heart would have sunk already. So I agree: it’s a tiptoe-y sort of word; for the user, it’s probably the linguistic equivalent of putting on a tin helmet - something you use when (as Leanse points out) you’re probably a bit worried about how the other person will respond.

Personally I agree with Leanse, though, that we all need to ‘man up’ - enough ‘just sayin’, already. Life is short: directness really, really speed things up – and is often appreciated more than you’d think. In a similar vein, I’m completely over having the type of meetings where the first 50 minutes are spent ‘just chatting’ - about someone’s holiday, what they’re wearing, industry gossip, before (in the meeting’s dying moments) the important business you gathered to discuss is finally aired. At the start of meetings, now, I lay my cards on the table: what we’re all hoping to achieve from this. It focuses everyone. If there’s time for small-talk at the end, great.

This is all about awareness – noticing what we say, and do. Nobody says it’s a piece of cake, but as Leanse and her colleagues observed: once the issue had been identified, and aired, everyone made a concerted effort to stop using the ‘J-word’ – and it worked. ‘Over time, our frequency diminished. And as it did, we felt a change in our communication – even our confidence. We didn’t dilute our messages with a word that weakened them…’

I’ve got my own version of ‘just’ – and it’s pretty shameful. ‘Pretty-please’. I mean, c’mon – am I REALLY using this, now I think about it? But – ironically – a simple ‘please’ can come somehow across as all shouty capitals, even when it’s not. Adding a ‘pretty’ softens it just the way ‘just’ does – but I hereby vow to quit, right now, and create the equivalent of a ‘pretty-please’ swear-box, with the proceeds going to some good cause. (‘I’d be grateful if you could…’ also gets lumped alongside ‘please’, too: it translates as ‘I’ve noticed that you haven’t done X and would you bloody get on with it?’) Reality check: there’s nothing wrong with ‘please’, on its own, as an expression of politeness – and it’s genuinely sad that’s been tarnished somewhat.

What words should women be adding to our lexicon, though? I’m big on ‘thanks’ (indeed I have penned a whole column on it): way under-used. This is not ‘thanks’ as in ‘thanks-though-I-really-mean-please’; this is the genuinely grateful ‘thanks’, particularly when applied to colleagues who’ve done you a favour, or someone who’s excelled.

And while it’s not a word, I’m big on clarity about timings/deadlines. ‘I want it NOW’ is obviously to be avoided (file under: ‘mad ranting’, though I’m sure we’ve all been there) – but one of the biggest miscommunications is about when a task needs to be completed. If someone doesn’t tell you, ask. If you’re asking someone else, tell them when you need something by (always allowing at least a little margin of safety, of course). Then put it in writing. And if you have to chase, do not start your e-mail with ‘Just wondering when…’

The No.1 word that women all need to use more often, though, is quite simply ‘No’. ‘N-O’. ‘Nooooo.’ ‘Nah’. ‘No way’. I could write an entire column about this (I ‘just’ might – hah!), but the bottom line is that most of us end up with way too big a workload, an over-full diary and generally too many commitments from a simple inability to say one this simple two-letter word. I don't find it easy, but I’ve trained myself. The best and most succinct run-down of why saying ‘yes’ all the time is a bad idea came from the website of a man who bills himself as ‘Your Virtual Mentor’ (michaelhyatt.com), and it made a lasting impact. Quite simply, as he explains, if we don’t get better at saying ‘no’, 1) other people’s priorities will take precedence over ours; 2) mere acquaintances – people we barely know – will crowd out time with family and close friends; 3) we will not have the time we need for rest and recovery; 4) we will end up feeling frustrated and stressed; 5) we won’t be able to say ‘yes’ to the really important things. (See also: crowding out time with friends and family, above.)

So I wonder: which words would you like to see used more in the workplace? Let me know via @telewonderwomen on Twitter or in the comments below. But meanwhile, shall we all accept that from here on in, the only people allowed to use ‘Just’ are Nike?

Because its brand folk would really have a problem ditching it from the company’s vocabulary…

Construction needs to ditch its macho image and nail the gender imbalance fast

The building industry is on a mission: to hire more women. Josephine Fairley spoke to the insiders and experts who want to help smash contruction's outdated gender stereotypes

When you think of the construction industry, what springs to mind? Men in hi-vis jackets with builder’s bums, making you sit in a traffic jam while they very s-l-o-w-l-y back a digger into the street? Dust, mud, deep puddles? Wolf-whistling? (More of which later).

The reality, today, is gradually changing – but if the construction industry wants to attract women, there’s still probably a lot of de-machoification (and if that isn’t a word, it should be) that needs to be done, to attract women into the industry.

Only 14.5 per cent of workers in the construction world are female – and only 2 per cent of manual workers are woman, according to the construction training and registration body CITB. (That’s versus just 1 per cent a decade ago, which is a rise of 100 per cent - but from a desperately low base).

In March this year, CITB conducted a study, which found that three quarters of employers believe that sexism is the main reason why women are under-represented in the industry. While 78per cent of respondents thought a lack of female role models in the industry was a reason for the gender imbalance.

If the construction world wants women on board (not to mention on boards), it probably needs a re-brand.

Ask many young women if they want to work in building, and they’ll say ‘no, thanks’.

Ask them if they want ‘to build a better future’, and that surely pushes many people’s buttons, at a time when we’re looking for more ‘meaning’ in our careers (something numerous surveys have suggested young people value highly). Because this isn’t just about erecting super-apartments for oligarchs; it’s about building hospitals, schools and the type of housing that will enable us to stay in our twilight-years-friendly homes for a lifetime.

But what I’ve just seen, in action, is that there is a real desire for change in the building industry: to attract more women.

Recently, I took part in a panel – ‘The Changing Face of Construction’ - organised by Skanska (one of the biggest players in the building world).

It brought together a – yes – very diverse group, including Neil Bentley (former CEO of the CBI and one of the ‘100 most influential gay, bisexual or transgender people globally’, in the 2012 World Pride Power List), Chris Moon MBE (who lost his lower arm and leg while clearing landmines in Africa), and Beth West, Commercial Director for HS2.

But what really heartened me was that on a chilly, rainy night when they could have been at home with a hot toddy and a box set of Orange is the New Black, 250 professionals across the construction world turned out to debate the issue.

Because, the fact is, construction has a skills shortage. It isn’t currently tapping into a skilled workforce of women, homosexuals, or disabled people - almost certainly because of that ‘macho’ image.

We talked about the need for flexibility. In common with many sectors, what puts women off is the ‘jacket-on-the-back-of-the-chair’ culture (in this case, presumably a hi-vis -on-the-back-of-the-crane), which demands ludicrously long hours and is inflexible about home working.

(No, obviously I realise you can’t operate a cement mixer from home. But the majority of the workforce in construction is actually in sales, administration, procurement, legal, finance, logistics – all roles which can be performed remotely, and in a family-friendly way).

We talked about seeking to create a culture that projects itself as more welcoming to those of us without bulging biceps and the ability to carry a hod of bricks.

And a culture that doesn’t accept sexism – that’s where wolf-whistling came in. Because if construction really wants to attract women, a 'no wolf-whistling policy’ has to be enforced.

Poppy Smart complained to the police of sexual harassment after bing wolf-whistled (SWNS)

This issue isn't going away: just last month, 23-year-old Poppy Smart complained of sexual harassment after being plagued by daily whistles from builders on her way to work in Worcester.

Although no arrests followed, but the police did take it seriously – and hopefully, knuckles were sharply, if metaphorically, rapped with a scaffolding pole.

If you Google 'young women builders', articles about wolf-whistling are still the top results. It's this imbalance we so desperately need to change. And it can be done.

Beth West is a shining example of how women can flourish in the building world, if given the opportunity (and she does indeed juggle this successfully with motherhood) – but there surely need to be more of us.

Similarly, there need to be more disabled people. According to Chris Moon, they just don’t feel it’s for them (flexible working is not just an issue for women). Neither does the LGBT community, agreed Neil Bentley.

The government really needs to play a role, here. And there are some positive signs.

A new scheme called Building Girls Up, run in partnership with the Government’s education programme Inspiring the Future, will be coordinating workshops with 140,000 young women between the ages of 16 and 18, to encourage them to consider construction as a career.

Those who are keen will be introduced to industry role models, potential employers and receive support from schemes such as the Prince’s Trust.

They are tackling the idea that women aren't physically strong enough, or good enough - ingrained early in our lives - to work in building.

Some of the female construction team working on Crossrail in London. Almost one third of jobs on the project are filled by women

If it’s a hit, it’ll be rolled out nationwide.

What's more, major projects such as London's Crossrail network are making an effort to hire equally - almost a third of its jobs are filled by women.

Perhaps it really ought to start at playschool level, making girls understand almost from the cradle that the construction world is for girls, too.

(A ‘Beth the Builder’ doll, anyone? Though I rather dread what Mattel would do with a ‘Construction Barbie’, so let’s pass on that one).

But what I saw and heard was an audience gathered from a deeply traditional industry, open and willing to change – including several extremely high-level executives, who can implement more women/gay/disabled-friendly policies, which flow downwards and outwards from there, becoming part of their corporations’ culture.

And I, for one, would feel just slightly less annoyed at being held up for a reversing bulldozer by someone in a fluoro jerkin carrying a sign that said ‘People at Work’ rather than ‘Men at Work’.

Wouldn’t you?

High-achieving women have these 6 personality traits. Do you?

According to a new study, women business leaders share many of the same characteristics, including a healthy resiliance to anxiety. Josephine Fairley agrees and offers her relaxation tips to ensure you're not too stressed for success

None of us wants a leader who runs around like a headless chicken.

What we'd like is a swan of a boss: serene on the surface (although probably paddling like hell to stay afloat beneath). Panic and unease can spread like wildfire through any working environment, making it tough for anyone to focus. And in my experience, the best leaders refrain from showing any cracks that appear.

Now it’s emerged that ‘stress tolerance’ – the ability to feel (or appear) comfortable in a high-pressure environment – is actually one of the key personality traits of high-performing women, according to a recent study by Caliper, a talent management firm.

They asked 85 women at senior vice president level or above to take a personality assessment, and a series of surveys which explored their success in different performance areas. The aim? To find out what makes a woman flourish in the modern workplace.

And actually, I think their findings - the six traits that high-performing women have - are bang on. Especially when it comes to the importance of being resilient and handling stress.

How many of the following do you tick the box for?

1) Assertiveness

Are you straight-up, when it comes to dealing with people? Can you put your foot down, or are you a walkover? Pussycats, frankly, are probably going to stay curled up in their basket in the corner.

To be successful, you need to be able to state your case – rationally, not emotionally – and put yourself out there.

2) Aggressiveness

So often used as a negative word, directed at women in business. But vital for success.

Not shout-y, make-your-team-scared-to-open-their-mouths, trample-all-before-you aggressive; this is having the chutzpah to move projects on, when you find yourself pushing at closed doors (as so often happens).

It’s ‘constructive’ aggression, if you like – because it has to be balanced by…

3) Empathy

Being able to listen to and understand the feelings of others. We’re all human, with frailties, fears and weaknesses, as well as opinions that deserve airing. Sure, people have problems and worries, and those must be addressed and acknowledged, and treated with tenderness. But where the successful woman probably makes her mark is being understanding, without allowing sentimentality to throw everything off-course.

4) Ego strength

This does not translate as: such- a-big-head-that-you-can’t-get-it-through-the-office- entranceway. Instead, it’s having confidence in your ability to overcome challenges.

You need to overcome challenges to rise to the top

There’s nothing arrogant about knowing your strengths and displaying them.

5) Energy

Well, I know I tick this particular box several times over – because I work on it, all the time. We all have to: it’s 2015.

In order to bring the required enthusiasm and team-inspiring vitality to the office, I know I must ‘fill my tank’: good food, plenty of exercise, an occasional massage and enough down-time that I never feel martyred about a heavy workload (because everyone, but everyone, hates working for someone who’s bleating about the long hours they have to put in, glaring malevolently as their team heads home to their families, with a feeling they’ve been abandoned at the coalface).

Leaders tend only to feel like that when they’re knackered; most of the time, the challenge itself is re-energising.

6) Stress tolerance

At times, you’re going to feel more resilient than others. (When you’re getting enough TLC, your stress tolerance is probably Teflon-esque.)

But, I’ll confess: with an entirely new team, a new office and assignments, my stress tolerance has been rocky lately – so I’ve had to work on that, too.

It’s about finding fixes that work. In my case, an arsenal that includes Aromatherapy Associates Inner Strength Rollerball (fortitude in a little bottle), and Relax Deep Bath and Shower Oil. Anything from the This Works Deep Sleep range. And if all else fails? Bach Rescue Remedy. (It beats gin, in the working environment).

A lovely glass of rescue remedy...

But it also helps, I think, to identify what really tips you over the edge – and in my case, it’s technology failure. Gadgets running out of juice. Dongles not dongling. Trains on which the charging stations are so close to the tables that you can’t actually plug in your laptop.

Where we often fall down, according to Caliper’s psychologist Thomas E. Schoenfelder, is buying-in to negative stereotypes about women in leadership. We should be focusing on our own ambitions, he asserts, rather than any lingering idea that being the boss isn’t, somehow, ‘feminine’.

In short, following the rules, being less assertive and reacting badly to stress make us more likely to banjax ourselves – and miss out on the top jobs.

The best defence against those behaviours? ‘Self-awareness’, says Schoenfelder.

To which I’d add: lavender oil.

How to have a sense of humour in the office (even when everything's gone wrong)

According to a new book, humour is the only way to get through tough times. What's more, it can endear you to friends and colleagues. Josephine Fairley agrees and explains how a belly laugh can be best deployed in the office

I love the sound of laughter in an office.

Maybe not behind me. But even being laughed at (occasionally) is better than an office which never echoes to the sound of hoots, guffaws and tears of hysteria. Looking back, all my favourite places to work have been the ones where my sides ached from laughing so much. Where, just occasionally, I lay on the floor like a beetle, legs waving in the air, in stitches at my colleagues' jokes.

And since then, I've always firmly believed: you spend more of your waking hours at the office than at home, so you've got to enjoy it. In business, or on the career ladder - if you can't see the funny side the alternative is usually tears of sorrow.

And it could so easily have happened to me in the past few days, if humour hadn't saved the day.

First, one of my team (of two) staff at my computer start-up was poached by a rival website. Then, two days later, I opened an eviction e-mail, serving notice on us to quit by January because the buildling's being torn down.

Suddenly, 200 companies were all scrambling for the same Soho offices - including us. Five hours later, while I was fire-fighting that, my other (fabulous) team member dropped a bombshell: her boyfriend's being relocated to New York, and she's going with him. In January.

(I've always found that, in business, that it never rains but it pours.)

I called my business partner. "We don't need an office," she countered. "We haven't got any staff!"

And rather than weeping, I found myself laughing like a drain at the ridiculousness of the situation. Somehow, being able to see the funny side of what is a really, really challenging scenario by anyone's standards, made it bearable.

I'm with Nora Ephron who once said: 'Everything is copy' and who so brilliantly turned the events in her life - like her hideous divorce - into hilarious material. How much more attractive is that than bitterness and regret?

There's nothing like a laugh to relieve tension.

It reminded me of another completely disastrous business situation which was only relieved by a huge belly laugh.

A couple of years ago, on a Sunday night after we'd already gone to bed, the manager of our bakery called to say there'd been a break-in. Turns out, the safe had been nicked. We got dressed, raced down there, adrenaline pumping. While police fingerprinted the joint, a detective and my husband set off down a side alley to see if they could find any evidence.

A few seconds later, my husband bounded back in like Tigger to ask the manager 'If she could come and identify this safe'. Our hearts soared: perhaps the robbers hadn't managed to get away with the weekend's takings, after all?

The detective shone his torch on a doorstep opposite the back of the bakery. "No," my manager shook her head. "That's not OUR safe."

Turns out that the people opposite had decided - after 17 years - to put their never-used safe out for the dustmen on the doorstep. That. Exact. Night.

We all fell about laughing: what were the chances? Even though we were several grand down, the safe incident made us feel like we were in an episode of Only Fools and Horses - a brief, preposterous moment of levity that carried us through, and gave us something to chuckle about while filling in the endless insurance paperwork.

Where a GSOH can get you through a bad day in the office as an employee, it can also boost you as an employer. And it's got to be pretty high up on the list of personal qualities in anyone I employ. (Eeyore-types need not apply.)

Apparently I'm not alone.

A new book, Elements of Wit: Mastering the Art of Being Interesting by Benjamin Errett, is a guide to mental sharpness and humour that extolls the virtues of 'spontaneous creativity' and says that 'wit is to life what salt is to food'. It's about saying the right thing at the right time, ideally off the cuff. “You want to make people glad that you opened your mouth,” says Errett.

Forbes Magazine reports on dozens of surveys that suggest humour can be a key to success. In one, 91 per cent of executives were found to believe that a sense of humour is important for career advancement, while 84 per cent of people believed that those with a good sense of humour will do a better job.

Another study - from the Bell Leadership Institute - found that the two most desirable traits in leaders were a strong work ethic and a good sense of humour. Employees pick up on the mood of a boss, I've always found. If he or she is anxious and worried, it's more contagious than flu and results in paralysis of the team. If he or she can find the humour - which is also generallly a reflection of confidence that there's a solution to be found - how much better it is.

But of course there's humour - and then there's humour. Clearly, you have to tread carefully. Jokes should never be at the expense of others, and it's best to leave sarcasm out of your personal stand-up routine. (Unless you know your colleagues extremely well, and are completely confident they won't be offended.)

Taking the mickey out of an employee, meanwhile, is very dangerous territory if you don't want HR repercussions. Any kind of poking fun on grounds of gender, sexuality or race must definitely be avoided - I hope that goes without saying. But sending yourself up? Endearing, I've always thought. Humorous stories allow us to share common experiences, and laugh together.

How free people feel to laugh in the office depends on the culture. Workplaces that are less hierarchical and more innovative allow for greater openness with humour. In a setting where everyone's looking over their shoulder, feeling like they have to keep up appearances, humour's more likely to be suppressed. (At least till you're out with your non-work mates on Friday night and can turn this week's working nightmares into fodder for hilarity.)

So: I consider creating an environment in which people are encouraged to find humour and have a good laugh to be one of my greatest achievements.

If someone doesn't know whether to laugh or cry, it's got to be laughter for me, every time.

And if you'll excuse me, I've now got to go and look at some offices. Because despite my business partner's timely, tension-breaking joke, I have faith that we will have a staff again. And that the sound of their laughter will bounce off the walls of wherever we end up. And won't that be a happy ending?

Mark Zuckerberg is right - personal goals are great. So what should you be striving for?

The Facebook founder is spot on about setting himself something to achieve every year (however weird and wonderful), writes personal goal-convert Josephine Fairley. Just don't feel you have to learn Mandarin...

Last week, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg wowed the world by speaking Mandarin during a live Q&A in Beijing. He spoke for 30 minutes in the Chinese language, even managing to crack jokes.

Despite whispers that his grasp of the language was a little basic, one observer commented, 'What is the Mandarin for "wow"...?'

It was seemingly the fruition of a personal goal. Zuckerberg sets himself one every year and, in 2010, it was to learn the Chinese language.

How savvy is that, from a global business perspective? I have several friends who've encouraged their kids to learn Mandarin rather than French, looking to the East as the land of opportunities. (And you can bet your bottom dollar that it's easier to learn Mandarin when you're 11 than when you're 30, as Zuckerberg is).

Previous goals have been perhaps less time-consuming, but pursued by Zuckerberg with equal determination. There was the year he vowed to wear a tie every day for a year (2009).

(Though the big question from my point of view would be: if you're a billionaire like Zuckerberg, why would you bother? You're always going to be the most powerful person in the room, so what difference is a thin strip of even the most expensive Hermes silk going to make to your power base?)

2011 was the year he vowed only to eat meat during that year that he'd slaughtered himself, claiming that it would deepen his appreciation of food if he understood more about that process - as a vegetarian, I wasn't over the moon when he proclaimed on Facebook that he'd killed a goat and a pig.
(Though if every meat-eater took such a vow, you can bet there'd be a lot more of us veggies on the planet.)

In 2012, Zuckerberg promised to spend some time coding - to return to his roots. And in 2013, he wanted to meet a new person, outside Facebook, daily.

Back of the net - Mark Zuckerberg. Photo: AP

This year, he set himself a 'gratitude' goal: to write a thank-you note every single day. Which was pretty much in line with my own personal goal for 2014, as it happens. I have a 'Gratitude' list on my phone, and every Sunday afternoon I sit in my shed and send thank-you cards to everyone on the Wunderlist: ping after satisfying ping, as the pile of creamy envelopes grows.

What's more, (sad sap that I am) I decide exactly which from my stash of sexy (as in: bought in the actual Trafalgar Square Post Office) stamps is most likely to put a smile on the face of the recipient. And I'm absolutely sure that Zuckerberg gets as much satisfaction out of his thank-you notes as I do - a deep sense of appreciation for other people's kindness and generosity. A sense of 'enough', in a world which is all about 'more, more, more.'

It's also shown me that personal goals don't have to be overly ambitious (learning a new language is a stretch too far). I did once set myself the 'year goal' of learning Spanish, finding that it became more, not less, fiendish as the months went on. I can just about order a tortilla, or ask the price of a secondhand pillowcase in a Madrid flea market. But in general it was an epic fail.

I certainly think stretching yourself mentally is vital, if we are to keep feeling alive and alert. So that's why I heartily recommend taking a leaf out of Zuckerberg's book and setting yourself an annual challenge.

Start small. One year, when I was working every day in the organic bakery I'd opened in my home town, I set myself the challenge of learning as many customers' names as I possibly could. Even though we sold the business a while back, I can still walk down the street greeting people by name: "Hello, Mrs. Flippance. Hello, Pru."

I like to think that knowing hundreds of individuals' names (and using them) in such an impersonal world, helps to keep our community knitted together that little bit more.

Arianna Huffington

I think the key is to be realistic with goals. The sense of failure (see also: my Spanish) can be a downer, diminishing rather than enhancing your sense of self-worth. Push yourself just that bit further than you think you can possibly be stretched, but don't look to a goal to 'reinvent' yourself, necessarily - because just like massive crash-diet weight loss programmes, they can be doomed to failure and recidivism.

I also really love Arianna Huffington's wisdom on the subject of goals. (As in many other areas.) When I heard her speak recently, she talked about how another way to mentally complete a project is simply to give it up.

The mother of two highly-skilled skiing daughters, she'd always promised herself that one day, she'd learn to tackle the slopes incredibly well herself.

Then the realisation struck: it was never going to happen. And, even more importantly, she could stop beating up on herself for the fact it hadn't happened and be content with curling up in front of a crackling fire with a cup of steaming hot cocoa, while her daughters slalom-ed the day away.

I've been there, too. Every New Year Eve for years I promised that THIS would be the 1st January when I threw myself in the English Channel alongside my husband and a fellow band of swimmers to raise money for the RNLI. Every New Year's day - often because of 'a nasty cough', or 'an incipient cold' - I wimped out.

Then last year I gave up pretending it was ever going to happen, made a donation to the RNLI - and, instead, cheered guiltlessly from the beach.

Goals are great. And if the Mandarin is going fabulously, stick with it. But if not? Heed Arianna's words: sometimes giving up on a goal can be equally satisfying.

Why you should think about women's achievements today (your own included)

Last week, Sheryl Sandberg spoke of the women who motivate her. While millions have been inspired by Pakistani schoolgirl Malala Yousafzai. Here, Josephine Fairley explains why it's so important to have female role models - and reveals her own

Today, I will be lunching in a room full of extraordinary women. It's the annual 'Women of the Year' Lunch, which honours those from diverse backgrounds and professions.

To me, it is absolute evidence that - far from trampling each other on the way to the top, or sticking knives in backs to get one over on female colleagues - most women are actually incredibly, impressively, wonderfully supportive of each other.

It is my experience - via networking groups, women's organisations, even my knitting club - that contrary to accusations of bitcheness, women are, actually, incredibly keen to help one another out.

There is a growing and glorious sense of sisterhood. A culture of 'how can I help you?' and 'who I can introduce you to, who'll help you take that first step onto the ladder, or leap forward with your business?'

The days of having to pretend we're ruthless and cut-throat are history. And, like Home Secretary Theresa May - who, last week, addressed a room of high-flying women in an attempt to encourage support networks and a celebration of female working practices - I agree we need to celebrate the 'different approach' to male colleagues that we take in business. (Although not yet, as May pointed out, in politics. Get with the programme, Westminster.)

I remember the first time I realised that women no longer had to pretend to be men.

I was at an event with City 'superwoman' Nicola Horlick. A few years before, she'd been all power shoulders and nifty suits: the female version of a man's tailored work uniform. Yet here she was, in a boho floaty skirt and mauve cardigan. The Home Secretary herself should, of course, never be 'reduced' to a pair of shoes - as she often is in the tabloids. But nevertheless, I applaud her, too, as someone who hasn't felt that she needed to disguise her femininity in order to secure one of the highest political offices in the land.

Sheryl Sandberg

As a woman, I find other women constantly inspiring and motivating. We should all take time to recognise how far we've come - while never ignoring how far we still have to go, especially in developing countries. We also need to look at what we can do to support those women who have got further to go than we do.

Last week, at the Fortune Most Powerful Women Conference, Facebook CEO Sheryl Sandberg talked about her favourite Facebook page. It's called 'My Stealthy Freedom' and shows Iranian women risking terrible punishment by daring to remove their headscarves in public. Sheryl had someone translate her favourite picture on the site from Farsi.

'The grandmother writes, I wanted my granddaughter to feel the wind on her hair before it goes grey.' (The page already has more than 670,000 likes - you might want to add yours.)

I've always pinned pictures of women I admire on the walls of my office, as inspiration. My much-missed friend and mentor Anita Roddick is one. The artist and sculptor Beatrice Wood, who was still working at the age of 103 (wearing her long grey hair in a plait, with armfuls of Native American silver bangles and a proud slash of red lipstick) is another. Diana Athill, ninetysomething and still writing. (I have a bit of a thing for fabulous women over the age of 80, having every intention of becoming one myself.) And Malala, oh, Malala: that brave girl who has done so much to fight for the right of young women like her to have access to education and has now been rewarded with a Nobel Peace Prize.

Malala Yousafzai

It's why I celebrate events such as today's lunch - massive 'hurrah' to womankind. Last year, the real 'Made in Dagenham' strikers - whose fight for equal pay was a landmark for women in work - were honoured. There will be female high-flyers from the armed forces taking their places at the tables. Women who've founded extraordinary charities, sometimes inspired by their tragedy in their own lives. A couple of years ago, I sat next to the ultra-glamorous, mother-of-six (female) British Consult to Kabul.

I pinch myself at my good fortune to be invited to join their company - at this and a growing number of events like it.

And you can feel part of it, too. Why not spend your lunch hour - today, or any other - honouring women's achievements in your own way (and at your own desk). You could read about someone who has inspired you, find out who inspired them and share the information over social media. You could simply change the wallpaper on your smartphone to a picture of those who inspire you. Or, make a list of those things you have achieved this year and give yourself a pat on the back (after all, you should strive to be your own 'woman of the year' too).

Because Sheryl Sandberg is right: it's vital to recognise and acknowledge women we admire - whoever and wherever they may be.

Digital detox baths: are we finally ready to be cleansed of our tech addiction?

Smartphones in the bath, laptop in bed - it's no wonder we can't switch off and are turning to detox bath products for help. Josephine Fairley (a recovering Instagram addict) explains why we should all ditch our devices at the door

You know the world’s gone slightly nuts when we need a specific product to help us ‘detox’ from our gadgets. And not just any old product: one for the bath.

Pursoma’s Digital Detox Bath uses montmorillonate clay, so we’re told, to remove the positively charged radiation that accumulates in the body through using our laptops, mobile phones and other electronic devices. (It works, apparently, through a process of ‘ionic exchange' - whatever that might be).

Personally, I’m a massive fan of baths: a chance to unwind and recharge. I'm particularly fond of the command ‘relax for 15 minutes’ while applying a face mask – often the only quarter of an hour during the day when I can be persuaded to do just that. So any product that encourages us to put our gadgets to one side, however briefly, has to be a good thing, whether it can wash away our addiction, or not.

The thought of taking my device into the bath with me – as many of us do – is much too scary, especially since Apple have a clever way of knowing whether a dead phone was damaged by water. And I’m much too scared of dropping it in the bath – as I often do with a book – when I nod off, allowing my Aromatherapy Associates essential oils (or even my montmorillonate clay) to work their de-stressing magic.

The bathroom is sacred - surely?

Pursoma Digital Detox Bath. Photo: Pursomalife.com

Bathrooms surely ought to be sacred and immune to the reach of technology - never mind the loo. According to an ‘IT in the Toilet’ study carried out a couple of years back by US agency 11mark (yes, really), 750 out of the 1,000 mobile-phone users polled used their devices in the lavatory. While 87 per cent of Android-users and 77 per cent of iPhone users ‘fessed up to using their phones while completing, um, quite another type of business. (This isn’t just bad for our mental health: according to a UK-wide study by scientists from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine and Queen Mary University in London, one in six mobile phones is contaminated with E. coli bacteria.)

In truth, I’ve been on a bit of a digital detox myself, ever since hearing Arianna Huffington share her thoughts on the importance of switching off, to promote her book Thrive. The room was packed to the rafters with an audience at least 2,000-strong – and from their frantic nodding, it’s clearly an issue which is starting to concern more and more of us.

Having gone cold turkey on Pinterest after I found myself uploading pictures of cute rabbits and shabby chic interiors at 1.30 am - and having considered a 12-step programme for my Instagram habit - I'm conscious of how incredibly easy it is to become addicted.

So I’ve tried following Huffington’s advice - she doesn’t look at her phone, or any screen, after 9pm – and it’s had a near-miraculous impact on my sleep patterns. I’ve always been aware that looking at a bright screen late at night makes it harder to drift off. If you too have lain there with your mind whirring way past midnight, getting increasingly stressed about sleep’s elusiveness, I suggest giving it a go.

My bedroom door conundrum

Arianna Huffington: about to ditch her phone at the bedroom door. Probably. Photo: Amy Elkins

She goes one stage further and actually checks her digital devices at the bedroom (never mind the bathroom) door. I haven’t quite mastered that, since another integral part of my getting-to-sleep ritual actually involves an app on my phone (Banzai Brainwaves Sleep Cycle Tuner). It's become a bit of a grown-up Linus blankie: if I don’t have it pumping out its gentle ‘binaural’ rhythms (which apparently work on your actual brainwaves to regulate your internal clock), against a background of my chosen music (the New Age Al Gromer Khan’s Inner Witness, if you’re interested), I can have trouble sleeping even when I haven’t been looking at my devices, last thing.

The conundrum: I have to keep my iPhone handy, to use the App – so leaving it at the door isn’t going to work.

I actually think that Huffington’s book – and the Digital Detox bath powder, come to that – are the first signs of a sea-change in our attitude to technology. We're getting ready to cleanse ourselves (and not just by bathing). Over the next few years, more and more of us are going to be ‘uncoupling’ from our tech and finding ways of stopping it from ruling our lives.

My father-in-law (he’s American, he’s allowed) once had a bumper sticker that said, ‘Turn off TV, Turn on Life’ – which needs a tech-related makeover for the 21st Century. Or else we’ll find that life itself has passed us by, in the blink of an iPhone.